Kenny's Top 5 Most Tolerable Deaths
by Mysterion's Marshadow
Summary: Kenny decides to put in the effort to pick out 5 of his deaths which happened to be the least horrible. Oneshot.


You guys surprised me yet again with the generous feedback to my previous lists. To be honest, I didn't expect you all to like the WatchMojo reaction as much as you _did._ From the bottom of my heart: thank you so much.

But yeah, your support is what inspired me to create a follow-up to my original top 10. And who knows? Maybe this'll be a regular thing? But I digress.

Now, while my immortality is a complete CURSE, I will admit that there are some good parts to it. And if the day would ever come when I'll either become mortal, or die permanently, there are some things about my previous life that I'm gonna miss.

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Kenny's Top 5 Most Tolearable Deaths

 **By Kenny McCormick**

 **Rules:** Again, same as my previous list; no near-death experiences. Pretty much any death that wasn't as bad as the others, or had something good come out of it qualifies for this list. Now, you might be wondering: Why only 5? Well, dying SUCKS. Honestly, it was a challenge to just come up with 5. But with that said, let's once again enter my mentally insane, perpetually damaged, and ever-existing mind.

 **5\. Life Sacrifice**

Now, I know what you all are thinking: "Kenny, which one?" The answer? ALL OF EM. Yeah, you heard that right. Even the excruciating generator-exposure death combo. Why? Well, regardless of how painful it is, regardless if nobody remembers, I don't regret a single one of these suicides. Because in all of these cases, my death made it possible for at least one other person to live. This includes (aside from the generator death that I already mentioned): smashing my skull to break Moses out of that conch shell prison, posing as Blanket and taking a blow that would have killed him had I not been there, getting impaled by a stalagmite in R'lyeh to go and get help, and many others. Now, I know that there are a few deaths of this caliber that I am neglecting to mention. That was intentional, and you'll soon see why that is.

 **4\. Syphillis**

Now, all those sacrificial suicides? Worth it because I saved people. This one? Worth it because I went through the most invigorating sexual experience of my life beforehand. Now, I don't hold it against Tammy for causing my death this round. Honestly, it was my decision, so it's technically another one of my suicides. But I don't regret a thing. Partly because the minute I saw the sores appear, I overdosed on sleeping pills to escape dying of the disease itself. But it's mainly because of that sweet, incredible BJ I recieved the night before. Which brings up a major question: Why is the phrase "suck a dick" an insult? If anything, it's advice to go and do something that pleases you.

Now, I need to level with you guys here. This is when I realized that my immortality and perverted nature coincide nicely. Which means that I don't have to worry about STDs, protection, or regard to my own life whatsoever. But that is only because as an immortal, I have nothing to lose. For all you mortal readers out there, don't take anything that I say to heart. The issues that you've got in your life are WAY less worse than immortality, and as such, you'll be using a different coping mechanism than me. Hell, even _I_ should be thinking about alternative strategies, considering I hope to either become mortal, or die permanently one day. So hopefully, (and this goes for all of you out there as well,) the fucked up shit life throws your way won't last forever.

 **3\. Touched by Death**

Death isn't so bad. No really, he's actually a pretty nice guy. We've got similar fashion senses, (hoodies) and he tends to mumble a lot. (also like me) He also likes Terrance and Phillip, which definitely gives him some points. Now, I will admit. The first time I saw him, I legit shit myself. (To be fair, that was probably due to having explosive diarrhea the entire week.) However, getting the touch of Death...was relatively painless. When I asked him why, he simply said, "You were going to die anyway. I thought I'd make things less painful for you this time around." Then I realized that he was referring to that sickness I had. (most likely dysentery) The downside? Well, aside from him fighting alongside me when I turned myself into a Nazi Zombie, he hasn't exactly been in the mood for doing me favors, which has its pros and cons. On the one hand, he could have saved me from some particularly agonizing deaths, and pulled the plug (pun intended) before things got too painful. But on the other, I'm on my longest living streak yet, (3 years and counting! WOO-HOO!) and I don't want Death getting in my way.

Now, I know what a lot of you are going to say: "I thought you hated Death! You fantasized about killing him!" Okay, that never happened. At first, I was really confused why people were bringing that up. Then I realized that they got that from this crazy-ass dream that Stan had, which he talked about online a few years later when he actually got a computer. Come to think of it…he said that in his dream, he saw me die… _twice._ Is it possible that they actually _do_ remember? Or maybe that's just my wishful thinking…

What I don't get is that if what the _Necronomicon_ said was true, and "only an immortal can kill another immortal," why didn't Death's touch kill me for good? Maybe it's only if the immortal delivering the killing blow _intends_ to kill the other permanently? Or maybe Death isn't even immortal at all? Maybe he's just a normal dead guy that Satan hired to collect souls for him? I'm probably thinking too deep into this. Moving on.

 **2\. Auto-erotic** **Asphyxiation**

Pleasuring oneself at the cost of one's own life? Sure, why the fuck not? Now, even though the guy that came to speak to our class was completely unqualified to talk about sex addiction, (as he mistakenly diagnosed Kyle and Butters as sex addicts) he was obviously competent enough to identify the biggest perv on the planet. At first, I was bored as fuck. He talked about it as if it were an actual disease, which, to put it lightly, pissed me off. I know diseases. I've _died_ from a few of them. And this fucktard waltzes in and pretends he knows what he's talking about? Yeah, I know something's wrong with me, but it's not sex addiction that's the problem.

But I digress. One minute, I was tempted to punch this asshole in the face. But then he tells me about a little something called "auto-erotic asphyxiation." Well, at first, he only warns us about it, saying we might die from it. Fortunately for me, he was stupid enough to actually describe it step-by-step. Apparently, choking yourself while masturbating causes awesome orgasms. While I wasn't sure whether or not the Batman costume he mentioned was necessary, I made sure to pick one up on the way home. Needless to say…the dude wasn't lying. A few years ago, Mr. Mackey mentioned something about people who get high by choking themselves. Now, combine that…with jacking off. Awesome. Hell, I didn't even notice that I _died_ until I woke up the next morning!

 **1\. Sacrificial Wish**

The one self-sacrifice I intentionally left off my #5 spot. And for good reason. For one thing, it was by far the most painless death I've ever experienced. Peacefully fading away out of existence… almost like something out of an anime. Another reason was because of the amount of lives saved. During my brief time back, I got a good long look at the amount of people that died. Terrance…Phillip…Mr. Garrison…Christophe…and thousands of others who I didn't recognize.

The third and final reason is this. If I were to go through with my original wish… things wouldn't have turned out so well. Judging by the things everyone said, they must have thought that I was originally going to wish to be alive again. Obviously not, seeing as how I can just do that on my own. No, the first thing that came to mind…was to either become mortal…or die permanently. Considering how I am now, that doesn't come as much of a surprise, but that was where my mind first went upon hearing Satan's offer of granting me a wish. Kinda depressing, now that I think about it. I was so messed up back then, and still am now, that the one thing I would wish for, out of anything in the entire world, is to end my own life.

But looking back now, I'm glad I gave up that chance. In fact…if I chose to die, right then and there, a lot of my sacrifices and actions would never have happened. I wouldn't have been there to die in Blanket's place. I wouldn't have been able to take the blow of that rocket launcher during the wrestling event. Terrance, Phillip, Christophe, and Mr. Garrison would have remained dead. (Although, in Mr. Garrison's case, I'm unsure whether that would be a bad thing, considering that he's now president.) But most importantly… Cartman and Cthulhu would have taken over the entire world, plunged it into darkness, and my friends would be trapped in R'lyeh, and have likely died there. I'm aware that Mint Berry Crunch was the one who defeated Cthulhu and rescued the other Coon Friends, but when I think about it, he only found out about his powers and saved everyone because he followed me to where Cthulhu was _._ Meaning that my presence there _did_ matter.

Maybe I'll be stuck with this curse forever. Maybe I'll just continue to die over and over for other's sakes. And while I'm technically 28 years old, I'm still considered 10. And 10 year olds shouldn't be so preoccupied with death. For the time being, I'll continue to believe that I made the right choice by giving up that opportunity to die permanently. Otherwise…well, I'm trying not to think about that. I mean, that kinda defeats the purpose of staying positive, right? And that's what I learned after my first countdown. While it did help me get some of those pent-up feelings out of my system, all it did was push me further into that dark place. For all of you out there with depression, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. But, as much as I hate to admit it, this curse saved my life. (Multiple times, I might add.) And while I'll still be searching for a way to become mortal, I'm going to take the time right now to thank my parents, the cult members, hell, even that fucker Cthulhu. They're the reason why I'm still alive, and why I've been given chances upon chances to live. So, for now at least, I'm gonna enjoy the little perks of being an immortal while I still can.

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 **First off, I'd like to apologize. I made a mistake when writing the A/N for the last one, saying that it's a top 10. That was my bad, and I'm sorry if that's what you all were expecting.**

 **Secondly, I honestly did NOT expect you guys to like these so much. You were all super nice and supportive, and it's moments like that which make me happy to be a member of the South Park fandom. Seriously, it really means a lot to me, and I'd love to continue making fanfics that further fuel my Kenny obsession.**

 **But yeah, hope you all enjoy this one! I honestly have no idea what the hell I'll be posting next, but I shall upload something as soon as inspiration strikes! It's brief and fleeting, and I like to get things done before I revert back to the lazy person I usually am. That, and because school's starting up soon, I have no idea when the next opportunity for me to write will arise.**

 **With all that said, thanks so much for reading!**

 **~Cybrawler253**


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